When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
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I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…