When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
You Might Also Like
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!