Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
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Hi. I’m Sarah McLachlan. Every year, thousands of innocent dragons are hunted for their balls
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe
[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together
[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this
[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it
[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
*creaking sounds upstairs*
Me: Alexa, what was that!?
Alexa: This home was built on land sacred to the indigenous people, now the spirit of the Wendigo is here to drag you to your death
Me: *purses lips* Next time, just say ghosts
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch
Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn’t even been able to figure out in 200 years?
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first