WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
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and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Canada has crack?
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
beware of dog
(jukin media)
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.