@SomeChrisTweets

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

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@FullGrownChris

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

@specialhug

Hi. I’m Sarah McLachlan. Every year, thousands of innocent dragons are hunted for their balls

@UncleDuke1969

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

@AmishPornStar1

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

@CrunkDriver

*creaking sounds upstairs*

Me: Alexa, what was that!?

Alexa: This home was built on land sacred to the indigenous people, now the spirit of the Wendigo is here to drag you to your death

*creaking intensifies*

Me: *purses lips* Next time, just say ghosts

@krisv_723

Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.

@decentbirthday

Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch

@JennyPentland

Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn’t even been able to figure out in 200 years?

@LostFelicia

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first