@marknorm

When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.

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@Sheginger

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

@HatfieldAnne

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

@ChristianMingel

Trained psychologists: “Hitting your kids can cause them to be violent adults”

Twitter genius: “I was hit and I never turned out violent. That’s why I can’t wait to hit my own kids when I get them”

@kiralc

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

@2tickytacky

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

@Shade510

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

@DanSpenser

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.