Can’t stop laughing 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.
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ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Trained psychologists: “Hitting your kids can cause them to be violent adults”
Twitter genius: “I was hit and I never turned out violent. That’s why I can’t wait to hit my own kids when I get them”
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.