@marknorm

When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.

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@MrWordsWorth

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

@XnotafunnyladyX

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

@lloydrang

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

@HereComesCunty

My kid wants to be a surgeon, caught her practicing on mummy. I was a bit concerned when she finished the operation and said “and now we’ll cut off another toe, for fun!” but they’ll work that out at medical school right?

@schumoo

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

@Donnie_Fairburn

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

@Theropologist

Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms

@SamNonTheWiser

Cinnamon Toast Crunch’s PR team have moved quickly to get ahead of the situation

@better_off_dad

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?