When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
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Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
#ParentingFacts
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
relationship goals
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Guys, I found it.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.