Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
when you’re a kid you’re like “how do actors cry so easily?” and when you grow up you’re like “how is anyone ever not crying?”
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A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Me: Hear me out. Blood is thicker than water, right? But so is mustard.
Surgeon: How did you get in here
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”