Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
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*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats