@noog

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

@iGreenMonk

My Wife: Why are you home so early?

Me: My boss told me to go to hell

@K_Chapacabra

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

@mamapojo

I RT you, you ignore me
I fav you, you ignore me
I ignore you, you ignore me
This seems to be working out well for us

@brianbowman73

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

@miss_propriety

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

@thepaulahunt

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

@T_Bonezzz_

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

@Jedi_Daddy

Parenting –
often like herding cats

Some days, like herding feral cats