When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
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Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born