@noog

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

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@steeve_again

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

@copymama

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

@tigersgoroooar

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

@brunopieroni

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

@Tmoney68

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

@Reverend_Scott

“SOMEONE IS VAPING”

911: Stay calm, were tracing it

“HURRY”

911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

“OMG”

911: GET OUT GET OUT

@Adar79Angie

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

@lnbshr

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

@BadMikeyBad

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats