When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
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1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
that’s really how it is
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news