When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
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I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.