When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

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Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?


[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

Siri what is a grape nut


*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*


INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments


I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter


BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly


This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.


THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem


THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable