When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

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My kid just caught me making the stupidest fucking face for no reason other than I am losing my damn mind but he’s six so I just looked him dead in the eye and said “no one will believe you” and then moonwalked into into his brother who I didn’t see standing there


I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile, then walk into a pole..


Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.


The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.


Puts an “I love Daddy” shirt on my kids until they’re old enough to read.


Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.


Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)