When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
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I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.