My kid just caught me making the stupidest fucking face for no reason other than I am losing my damn mind but he’s six so I just looked him dead in the eye and said “no one will believe you” and then moonwalked into into his brother who I didn’t see standing there
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
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I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile, then walk into a pole..
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Puts an “I love Daddy” shirt on my kids until they’re old enough to read.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.
(For Judy in Accounting)