When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

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ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please


Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early


[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese


hate when people ask if ur on drugs/drunk when ur just having fun like no some of us have the natural personality of a crackhead sorry


It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.


[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet


I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.


Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.