UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
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Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
hate when people ask if ur on drugs/drunk when ur just having fun like no some of us have the natural personality of a crackhead sorry
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.