When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
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To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
PARKOUR
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .