When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
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I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Always
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car