When you’re checking for murderers in your house, don’t just yell out “hello!” that gives them the upper hand.


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I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.


add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans


Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No


If I can make even one person laugh on here then I’m not doing my job.

The job I actually get paid for.


Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.


What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.