I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
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Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open