“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
You Might Also Like
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything