@natureslover_s

When you’re completely done with everybody’s shit.

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@Cpin42

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

@causticbob

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

@crunchenhancer

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

@tweetsbyrocket

me: dad how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be yourself

me: [barely leaving the house and not talking to anyone when i do] why isn’t this working

@QwertyJones3

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

@david8hughes

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

@GinAndJif

If you encounter someone who is massively overreacting to something, calm them down by laughing at them.

@tiffistrying

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.