@natureslover_s

When you’re completely done with everybody’s shit.

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@FatherWithTwins

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

@trevso_electric

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

@solsayswhaaa

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

@EndhooS

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

@TitansHomer

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

@Reverend_Scott

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

@BlairLoudly

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

@JusticeBeever

Just shaved my beard and I feel kinda naked without it. I’m also not wearing any pants but I’m pretty sure its the beard thing.

@david8hughes

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.