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I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
me: dad how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be yourself
me: [barely leaving the house and not talking to anyone when i do] why isn’t this working
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist
Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
‘Don’t you ever wonder why I don’t pick up?’
~my voicemail greeting
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
If you encounter someone who is massively overreacting to something, calm them down by laughing at them.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.