@TheNardvark

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

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@ParisZarcilla

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

@drinksmcgee

Her: Do you have any hobbies?

*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde

Me: I make my own preserves.

@girl_a_whirl

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

@TheMichaelRock

Being a parent to a teenager is basically like being an unpaid, under appreciated Uber driver.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

@truegritrumble

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

@_Aynne_

My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”

@SirFlushaLot

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes