When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
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me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
the only organized thing in my life is crime
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.