So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
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Her: Do you have any hobbies?
*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde
Me: I make my own preserves.
A cop that contemplates his existence:
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Being a parent to a teenager is basically like being an unpaid, under appreciated Uber driver.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes