When you’re dead, you have no idea you’re dead. It’s only difficult for other people…..

Much the same as when you’re stupid…..

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[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”


The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.


living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated


My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him


All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt


Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*


News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.


Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.


When life hands you lemons make sure those lemons aren’t evidence in a murder that life’s trying to frame you for.