@QuietPsycho

When you’re dead, you have no idea you’re dead. It’s only difficult for other people…..

Much the same as when you’re stupid…..

You Might Also Like

@DanMentos

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

@nthall350

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

@teehee_sarah

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

@adamgreattweet

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him

@dougbies

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

@RodLacroix

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

@heatherjs

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

@ibid78

When life hands you lemons make sure those lemons aren’t evidence in a murder that life’s trying to frame you for.