When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
You Might Also Like
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
best first i’ve ever seen
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”