When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
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A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”