When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

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People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.


Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.


Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*


If by “flexible” you mean “can I get my foot behind my head?” then yes, I am.

If you mean “can I get my foot back down?” then no, I am not.


BARISTA: I have a latte ready for “Give me all your money?”

ROBBER: Oh goodness, this is so embarrassing, I see there’s been some confusion


Him: this isn’t working out

Me: *sitting under the squat rack eating a donut* yes, I’m aware


Me: Your baby looks funny.
Her: That’s my dog.
M: Yeah.. uh huh.
H: …
M: I’d tell everyone it was my dog too if my baby looked like that.


If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her


Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.


HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!



HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours