When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
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Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I have so many questions.
Bro what is this
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.