@CruisinSoozan

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

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@TheNYAMProject

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

@LuvPug

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

@sirensaysnope

Him: Tell me one of your fantasies
Me: I want to lie in a field of French fries naked

@HughGoesThere

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

@rebbeckles

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

@jeepwave7

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

@CornOnTheGoblin

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

@AndyRichter

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers