My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
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The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —
And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Him: Tell me one of your fantasies
Me: I want to lie in a field of French fries naked
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers