When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
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Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Do not levitate over flowers
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Is anyone gonna tell them?
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”