When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
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I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced