@90spideypool

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

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@GroovyCheese

4 words. 5 syllables. Easy to say. Hard to prove. ”I am a zebra.”

@GingerHotDish

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

@missrobotnik

The ladies in my knitting club think it’s hilarious when I greet them by saying, “Sup, my knittas?!”

@max_pad21

Patient: “How much longer do I have doc? Doctor: “Ten.” Patient: “Ten what?” Doctor: “Nine…”

@OtherDanOBrien

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

@t_cuppp

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

@impaulmccoy

I’m not saying I just bought a lot of beer, but my car thinks it’s an unbuckled passenger in the front seat.

@just1fool

My dog wouldn’t shut up so I told him I killed the mailman. He was jealous but proud of me.

@LanieLalaBugs

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party