when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”


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4 words. 5 syllables. Easy to say. Hard to prove. ”I am a zebra.”


Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.


The ladies in my knitting club think it’s hilarious when I greet them by saying, “Sup, my knittas?!”


Patient: “How much longer do I have doc? Doctor: “Ten.” Patient: “Ten what?” Doctor: “Nine…”


[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
“Oh honey, I love it!”


Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.


I’m not saying I just bought a lot of beer, but my car thinks it’s an unbuckled passenger in the front seat.


My dog wouldn’t shut up so I told him I killed the mailman. He was jealous but proud of me.


If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party