When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
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This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.