When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
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I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Always.
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IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Try and stop me.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.