When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
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so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent