When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
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wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
absolute chaos
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.