When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
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Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”