When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
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[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
why am I working on Labor Day
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”