@BryMastas

When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.

You Might Also Like

@QwertyJones3

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”

@roxiqt

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

@SaraMansford

My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I’m not even the best mom in my house anymore.

@ProdigyNelson

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

@elliepeek

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

@mrtruthandsoul

How much of this “no more tears” shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?

@TeflonPawn

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

@HatfieldAnne

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

@AnkCoupleTO

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”