When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.

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But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”


Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.


My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I’m not even the best mom in my house anymore.


Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit


I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…


How much of this “no more tears” shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?


My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.


If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.


I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.


I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”