@canadian_egg

When you’re sad, hug a kid. But make sure it’s yours cuz that shit would be weird.

When you’re sad, hug a kid. But make sure it’s yours cuz that shit would be weird.

- @canadian_egg

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@deadbearrising

Fun Fact: Koala’s have finger prints like humans. So next time you rob a bank make sure the koala carriers the gun

@jngraphs

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

@George_404

“Why’d you name me Carson, dad?”

You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It’s time for tablemeal.

@SaraMansford

Just made a voodoo doll of myself that I’m about to beat some sense into.

@tomipuff

I would like a warm hound please
“Excuse me?”
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@sirmunchie

Someday, my kids will say “daddy, wanna hear a cool story” and it will actually be followed by the telling of a cool story.

@Monicann86

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

@gorrdano

McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.

@Jagershot901

Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.

@KentWGraham

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?