“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
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We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”