When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
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Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
being a writer on Twitter:
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Planet of the Apps.