when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
The prophecy is fulfilled
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.