When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.

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Asked my daughter to get me a glass of water & she brought me a glass of wine….she’s either Jesus or I gotta remember the lies I tell her


Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.


Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?


Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king


If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.


Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.


2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke


Friend: Do you have a bird problem?
Me: No.
Friend: Why is there a scare crow in your compound.
Me: Oh that? That’s for people.


me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-

her: Don’t say it, im leaving


me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins