@CulturedRuffian

When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.

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@nbadag

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

@Jake_Vig

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

@Brampersandon_

MOM: dont lie. The man upstairs is always watching
ME: ok mom
FRANK FROM 4B (watching on his hidden camera): how the hell did she know that

@c12h22o11balls

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

@thepunningman

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

@curlymalloy

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

@ArfMeasures

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

@daemonic3

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

@Reverend_Scott

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

@hazelmotes1

You literally misuse the word “literally” every time you say it. And I figuratively want to punch you in the face. Literally.