Asked my daughter to get me a glass of water & she brought me a glass of wine….she’s either Jesus or I gotta remember the lies I tell her
You Might Also Like
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged
~ This is a running joke
Friend: Do you have a bird problem?
Friend: Why is there a scare crow in your compound.
Me: Oh that? That’s for people.
me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-
her: Don’t say it, im leaving
me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins