SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
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With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
MOM: dont lie. The man upstairs is always watching
ME: ok mom
FRANK FROM 4B (watching on his hidden camera): how the hell did she know that
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”
Actually I am.
I’m technically a serial killer.
You literally misuse the word “literally” every time you say it. And I figuratively want to punch you in the face. Literally.