Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take

When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*