What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
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Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”