Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
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The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
thank god
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.