Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
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they really do be looking like this
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?