Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
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Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Hotels are back
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Happy weekend !
Only a mother’s love …
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere