Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
You Might Also Like
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo