Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
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Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus