Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
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“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
there’s probably a fee though
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.