Coworker: Do you party?
Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that I stay up past 11pm. So yeah.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I’m really fun to talk to.
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I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
M: Still? It’s been a week
K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE!
M: You didn’t die. Calm down.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex