@Phook75

Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I’m really fun to talk to.

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@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: Do you party?

Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that I stay up past 11pm. So yeah.

@WheelTod

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

@LoveNLunchmeat

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

@Vice_Queen

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

@dumbbeezie

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Me: Hi
Kid:
M: Still? It’s been a week
K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE!
M: You didn’t die. Calm down.

@dumbbeezie

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

@iamTannenbaum

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

@mattZillaaaa

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex