@TheMichaelRock
Coworker: Do you party?
Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that I stay up past 11pm. So yeah.
@Phook75
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I’m really fun to talk to.
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@TheMichaelRock
@WheelTod
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
@LoveNLunchmeat
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
@JimmerThatisAll
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
@Vice_Queen
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
@dumbbeezie
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
@Jay_FrickinLynn
Me: Hi
Kid:
M: Still? It’s been a week
K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE!
M: You didn’t die. Calm down.
@dumbbeezie
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
@iamTannenbaum
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
@mattZillaaaa
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex