Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
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Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
opening twitter today
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
the three branches of government
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.