@farleftcoast

Whenever anyone quotes the Bible to me I quote Harry Potter to them because I too love a good magical fiction book.

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@Angibangie

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

@lisaxy424

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

@ThisOneSayz

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

@HansGrubertron

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

@sarawrencomedy

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

@shariv67

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

@KalvinMacleod

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

@CornerPubRon

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

@goldengateblond

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

@LisaFarted

So I’m trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, “I will kill you in your sleep.”