And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
You Might Also Like
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I’m crying im so happy for them
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course