Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Whenever anyone quotes the Bible to me I quote Harry Potter to them because I too love a good magical fiction book.
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HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
So I’m trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, “I will kill you in your sleep.”