You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
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For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me