Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
You Might Also Like
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I finally found a reason to live again.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
an octopus is just a wet spider
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Birds & Planes.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)