Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

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I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.


I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”


Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.


Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.


*pretends to throw a ball and my dog chases after it*
haha idiot
*checks email*
holy shit i won a million dollars??


Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt


Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown


Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?


If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.


suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers


my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”