Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
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My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.