Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
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I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.