@3sunzzz: Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don't behave, they're next.
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@Ristolable: My friend and I were talking about food and he said "I'm not a big Chinese guy" and I was like "I know you're not"
@UnicornSyrup: "I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?"
@: By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl