Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
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What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.