@om_eye_goodness

Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.

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@causticbob

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

@VerifiedJayy

Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys in em. Get on that

@karanbirtinna

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

@Jarhead44

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

@kelkulus

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

@iRowlf

You can get a free carton of ice cream at the grocery store if you eat the whole thing before the cops show up.

@TheDairylandDon

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

@ikpsgill1

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

@Kryzazy

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.