Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.

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What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation


Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys in em. Get on that


I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.


Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.


People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.


You can get a free carton of ice cream at the grocery store if you eat the whole thing before the cops show up.


October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.


gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me


Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.