Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
You Might Also Like
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!