The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
You Might Also Like
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
finally
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window